Up Next...Sexplay

As promised, I'm continuing my three part series of important topics to cover when addressing sexuality and intimacy, which brings us to Sexplay.  As a part of Sexplay, I'm going to talk about dirty talk, pleasure, and sensate focus.  All of these can be helpful for our clients (and let's be real - US!) to understand as potential activity demands.  Below are some strategies and exercises you can share with your clients! 

DIRTY TALK

Communication is a key component during any sexual encounter and this can include using dirty talk to build arousal.

Tips to share with your client for creating their style of dirty talk: 

• Think about how you like to describe your body. What makes you feel turned on or sexy? Try to describe your partners body this way too. 
• What words excite you or make you feel aroused? 
• What sexual activities do you like to do? Describe this activity to your partner. Use your dirty talk inside and outside the bedroom. 
• Find inspiration for your dirty talk and experiment to find what works the best for you. Practice! 

Try this: 

• Explain what you are about to do with your partner. 
• Describe what you are doing or what it feels like. 
• Describe what you just did.

Dirty talk I want to say: __________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Dirty talk I want to hear:

__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

PLEASURE FOCUS

During sexplay activities focus on enjoying the pleasurable experiences rather than focusing on your performance. Stimulate pleasurable touch throughout your experience with yourself or your partner and focus on the sensations you feel: 

• Is it warm/cool? Is it smooth/rough? Is it wet? Is it soft? 
• Maintain a focus on the sensations experienced to increase your pleasure 

Focus on building anticipation inside and outside of the bedroom (examples: hugging, kissing, cuddling, laughing, sharing time together, etc.) 

Lead by example during these activities, touch your partners' body the way you want your body to be touched. 

Think of ways to make yourself feel sexier this may include: 

• Reading erotic books, watching erotic films, wearing lingerie, taking a warm bath/shower, etc. 
• Be open to experimenting with new routines and ideas related to sexual activity to find what works best for yourself and your partner

SENSATE FOCUS

Sensate focus is a series of touching exercises that provide opportunities to experience and explore your whole body and your partner's body for your personal interest. 

Pay attention to the sensations you experience regarding temperature, pressure, and texture. The first few touch sessions should not include sexual intercourse, oral sex, or mutual or self stimulation.  Progress to these areas after a few sessions and again the giver keeps their focus on exploration while the receiver keeps their focus on receiving pleasure.  This exercise is purely for the purpose of exploring each other's bodies. Tips for sensate focus: 

• Have touching session in a private environment that you feel the most comfortable
• Schedule the touching session when you feel the most alert and awake 

When and if you do become distracted, redirect your attention back to touching session. 

A C T I O N P L A N: My Goals

1. Dirty talk goal: _______________________________________________________________________
2. Sensory focus goal: _______________________________________________________________________ 

Self-awareness for engaging in Sexplay activities: 

1. What positive words do I like to be used to describe myself: ________________________________________________________________________
2. What distractions may occur during Sensate Focus and how can I manage these distractions:

  ________________________________________________________________________

I can do/ I can ask my partner to: 

Dirty Talk: 

Pleasure Focus: 

Sensate Focus: 

Create your coaching statement to empower yourself to engage in sexplay activities successfully. 

Sexplay coaching statement:

______________________________________________________________________________

R E F E R E N C E S 

Cornell Health. (2019). Sensate focus. Retrieved from 

https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf

Horn, T. (2017). A beginner’s guide to talking dirty (without feeling awkward). Retrieved from https://www.allure.com/story/how-to-talk-dirty 

Weiner, L. & Avery-Clark, C. (2017). Sensate focus in sex therapy. New York: NY. Routeldge.