When OT Ignores Sex: Scott’s Story from Depression to Being His Own OT
This blog is written by my friend, Scott (*name changed for confidentiality). Scott and I started emailing back in 2020. Recently, I asked him if he’d be willing to share his story which includes examples of Occupational Therapy shortcomings, as well as the lived narrative of a person with a disability trying and eventually succeeding to access sex. I am so so grateful to Scott for his continued appreciation of the Institute for Sex & Occupational Therapy and now for his support of our work by sharing his story with us so that we can hear his lived narrative and learn the impact of when OT does not acknowledge sex as an ADL!
“I’m sharing this to inform OTs what happens when a lifelong severely disabled individual is denied the basic human right of engaging in sexual activity, and why it is so vital that OTs address sexuality with their clients and their caregivers
Also, you will hear about what I had to do to finally have a positive virtual sexual experience, which Kathryn tells me is “having to be my own OT in order to problem solve the way I did”.”
“I am a 37 year old queer, kink- and BDSM-positive male. I was born severely disabled with Moebius syndrome and many other health issues and disabilities. I am a wheelchair user, on 24/7 oxygen, and my speech is unable to be understood, so I use a combination of American Sign Language and typing to communicate. The entire left side of my body is partially paralyzed.
Throughout my life, I have always been interested in finding a girlfriend and having sex, but due to my disability and isolation, this has been impossible. I knew since I was a teenager that I was a highly sexual person, and so the frustration and depression of not being able to have a sex was intense.
I also live with a caregiver who, unfortunately, has very conservative religious beliefs and is anti-LGBTQIA and not sex-positive. My caregiver was not supportive of me seeing an escort, which I assumed would be the only way I could have sex. Growing up in a Catholic household with my mother, grandmother, and aunt as my caregivers (my father was not in the picture), I got very negative comments on my sexuality. For example, they would say that “since Jesus and Catholic priests don’t have sex, you as a disabled person shouldn’t need to masturbate, watch porn, or ever have a sexual relationship.” Obviously as I got older I learned that these comments were very wrong and harmful, and thankfully I have dealt with my religious trauma in therapy and now I’m a queer sex positive Christian.
After years of seeing a mental health therapist who was not supportive of my sexuality, I changed therapists. I was so lucky to find a new supportive and awesome therapist. One of the first things she mentioned to me was a podcast called OT After Dark. I first learned about Kathryn Ellis from this podcast and immediately looked her up on YouTube. I watched her “Teach Me Sex” interviews with people with disabilities. I was so shocked, because this was the first time in my entire life that I heard an OT saying that disabled people are sexual beings, and that sexuality is an activity of daily living.
I thought that working with an OT would be the way I figured out how to have sex as a disabled person. I spent months emailing all of the OT providers in my state and, sadly, was met with comments like “what are you talking about”, “OT does not focus on sex,” and “this is inappropriate for you to even bring up”. I was so disappointed.
I decided that sex is not going to be happening for me at this point and became even more depressed.
Eventually, I heard about SextPanther, which is a website where you can chat with adult film actresses and other sex workers online. I found out that one of my favorite porn actresses was on the site.
I thought this would be my chance to have a virtual sexual encounter, considering that real-life sexual encounters were not going to happen. However, I realized one very big problem: my caregiver has access to my credit card and there was no way I would be able to use my credit card to video chat with a sex worker without my caregiver finding out.
It occurred to me that a way around this would be to ask for prepaid gift cards for Christmas and my birthday and I would save them up until I had enough to be able to pay for a session. I could only afford to chat for 5 minutes because the fee to chat with her was very expensive and I didn’t have enough gift cards. She used her vibrator and I masturbated and we both orgasmed during our video chat. I have to admit, I was so happy, because for the first time in my life, I was able to have some sort of sexual encounter even if it was virtual.
This was a great moment for me, and one that could help your clients as well have sex virtually. But it’s not the same as an in person sexual encounter. This is why it is vital for OTs everywhere to be able to engage with their clients about their sexual health issues and help them problem solve.
I know if I had an OT earlier in my life who could have helped me problem solve solutions to sex, and could have explained to my caregiver that sex is a basic human right hat would have decreased my severe depression and anxiety symptoms by a lot.
So please don’t be scared or uncomfortable talking about sex with your clients. You will make a huge difference in their lives.”
Stay tuned for blog number 2 from Scott, where I interview him about his thoughts on sex work for people with disabilities and his experience working with OTs who refuse to address sex as an ADL.
If you’re looking for more training to prepare you to address sex with clients, check out The Certified Sexuality OT CEUs and The OT Sex Summit.